Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
