I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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