Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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