I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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