Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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