Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
