Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
