He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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