Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
