you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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