I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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