my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
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