Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
