I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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