I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
