My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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