I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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