I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
