In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
