I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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