Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wish I could teleport
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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