When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
