So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I forgot how hot balto sounded
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
