I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
