I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
