In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
