Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
