i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
