I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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