she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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