It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
