Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize