Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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