My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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