he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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