I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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