I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
