she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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