lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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