I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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