If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
