I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
