The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
