Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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