Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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