M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
