Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
