I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
