when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
