I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
