I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
