So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
