News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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