so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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