I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
