My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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