i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
