I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dignity is for republicans.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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