I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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