So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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