Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
