Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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