The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
